AGAPE

I’m home sick today. My stomach is in knots and I just need to rest. I went to Red Lobster last night and I know shrimp doesn’t set well with my stomach but hey it was Red Lobster….anywho I’m paying for it today.

I did something yesterday that was kind of crazy and when you read what I’m about to write, the thoughts of, “you’re crazy, don’t ever do it again and you could have been hurt,” will race through you mind.

I had just bought videos at Hollywood Video got into my car when a lady asks me to give her a ride home.  “I only live a half mile away I just got off work and this heat is getting to me and my feet ache.” I told her, “No. I don’t give rides to stranger.” I completely understand and she walks away. At that moment I remember two things. 1. Tyler Perry wrote a blog about how a woman came up and asked him for a pair of shoes…it’s a long story but him giving her a pair of shoes helped her out and changed her life around….it’s a long story but that had me thinking…2. I don’t remember if it was this past Sunday or the Sunday before but the scripture reading for Sunday was about the poor. The homily the priest gave said God has a special place for the poor and if you turn away from the poor you’re turning from God. Okay…so with those two things racing through my mind I stopped put my car in reverse and took the lady home….something told me it was going to be okay. The first thing the lady said when she got into my car, “God must have wanted you to take me home today.” WHAT!!! That blew me away b/c I was thinking the same thing. The lady turned out to be really nice (I didn’t get her name…ummm) and we chatted along the way. After I dropped her off I was overwhelmed with sadness and joy. I was almost in tears but then I was so happy. I don’t know what was going on with me…but anywho…I promise I’ll never do it again….perhapsJ!!God is GOOD!!!

In the words of Mr. Perry….God don’t let me get ME!!!

I’ve learned couple of things lately/over the past several months and I thought that I would share.

#1- Guys don’t like it when girls wear a lot of make-up. I’ve been told lately that I wear too much-I don’t think I do but I’ve been told otherwise. I’ll over ear guys talking about girls and how they need to remove the mask off their face…whatever!!! So girls don’t wear too much make-up guys don’t like it and the guys that do will be more into themselves them you.

#2-Guys don’t like really skinny girls. I only know of two guys that like skinny girl. I’ve heard from numerous men that say they want a girl with a little meat on her bones.  My sister kept telling me this but I didn’t believe it until I heard it for myself from men.

#3-Guys are attracted to what they see….as men are visual and women fall for what they hear….men appreciate a good looking woman. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes, colors, hair-stylesJ. But a good personality and self confidence can get about any guy….ladies to just look at your self in the mirror and say, “Dam, I look good today,” and get the boost of confidence you need to get the man you’ve been lingering after.

That’s all I’ve learned so far….God don’t let me get ME!!!!

I have a confession….and this is going to be weird. I not racist nor have I ever been racist. Furthermore, I’ve never really been attracted to black men and I don’t know why. For example, I would be walking down the street and I would see a black man and think to myself, “he is cute,” but nothing more and I would continue walking. But something has changed. Lately I have been SO attracted to black men and I don’t know why. For example, I’ll be walking down that same street see a black man and think to myself, “Dam his is cute, I wouldn’t mind going out with him.” This change I have no idea how it stared or how it occurred.  I’m confused….I’m confused. I was raised to never judge someone by the color of their skin. I think that is the most stupidest thing… I don’t know. I don’t care if a man is pink, purple, blue, red as long as he treats me good; that’s all I need. Changes, changing , changed…….GOD don’t let me get ME!

 To be truly happiness you need love and forgiveness and you can’t have one without the other. AU-

PS Wilma and Fred are still alive!

Something Crazy

I have two pet spiders that live outside on my stairway to get into my apartment. I named them Wilma and Fred; I know I’m crazy.  I’ve tried to kill Fred several times with my broom but he wouldn’t died he always came back. I decided after about three time of trying to kill him I would let him live. I had very strict rules with Fred and Wilma if they wanted to live; I realize I’m completely insaneJ. One of the rules is; not to get to close to my door. Last night Wilma and Fred broke the rule….yes I’m still talking about my two pet spiders. I went outside to take Charlie to the bathroom. I looked up and saw another spider where Wilma and Fred usually are. I have gotten to realize what Wilma and Fred look like the type of spider they are.  I take Charlie out come back up and kill the spider that took over Wilma and Fred’s place. I’m still wondering where Wilma and Fred are. I put my broom down outside and look up and BAM there is Wilma and Fred. I had to take my broom and knock them down. I don’t know it if they lived I’ll keep you informed…..I told you it was crazyJ

Something Creepy

In life there are times when you become comfortable around people and start letting your guard down. I went over to one of my client’s apartments (I’ll call him John) to review his treatment plan. John is an older man in his late 50’s. He gets along with everyone I’ve never had a problem with him. I walk into his apartment and he tells me, “You look nice today.” I don’t take compliments well but I said thank you. Once again he says, “You look really pretty today.” At this point I’m brushing off the compliments. Then again he states, “You sure are a nice girl.” I realize there is “something different/not right.” So I change the subject and focus on the treatment plan; which lasted about a minute then John was back to the compliments. I start to freak out on the inside and start saying goodbye. But John blocks my way of getting out of his apartment. In my mind I was thinking, “I need to get out of here.” As John is smiling and complimenting me and starting to get into my personal space as he has blocked me in.  I think to myself, “I need to act fast.” In one smooth movement I move my body one step up and one step over (almost pushing him over) to get out. I don’t look back as I feel his hand patting my back. WTF!!!!!. I walked so fast to my car and I got in and locked the doors. Something so creepy…..

God don’t let me get ME!!!!

I know in my previous post I’ve talked about Chris my co-worker. But if you don’t know who I’m talking about let me give you a quick recap. Chris works with me at BTC. He is like a brother to me(I swear somewhere somehow we are related but that’s another story) we are always acting like brother and sister picking on and hitting each other…blahh blahh blahh. Moving on…every now and then Chris watches out for me…this has happened maybe two or three time since I’ve worked with him and today it happened again.

            I received a new client on my case load (I’ll call him Joe). Joe has a past of being violent, alcoholic, drug addict and a mental illness on top of that plus he has problem with women. For some reason someone decided to put him on my caseload. Last time I got someone like this I was told to “deal with it.” But that is another story for another day because it pisses me off every time I think about it. Moving on…so I go to David’s (another co-worker) desk to look for the file on Joe and start talking (to Chris) about how I can’t believe he got transferred to my caseload. Chris said, “ohhh no no no I don’t want you alone with him (Chris has worked with Joe in the past) I think you….you need to get Joe transferred to a male case manager and I will back you up. I don’t want you to ever be alone with him.” I thought back to the last time this happened and asked Chris come with me to talk with my supervisor; he willingly comes along. I talk with my supervisor and she completely agrees that Joe needs to be transferred. Thank goodness. And thanks to my other brother. There have been some creepy things that have happened to case managers (once to me) at BTC so I was thankful that Joe got transferred.

 The situation got me thinking about certain people in life that you look out for; those people that need extra attention/care. I know in my life there have been on several occasions where I’ve had to look out for someone.  Maybe instinct or intuition kicks in and you feel/you know that you have to look out for that person….ummmm Twas life.

God don’t let me get ME!!!!

Have ever you been looked at from the inside out? One of my client’s (I’ll call her Sue) told me that I have changed. Let’s start from the beginning. I was driving Sue home and she said, “If you move to Colorado I’ll miss you.” (FYI..I still want to move and I’ve told about….everyoneJ) I wont miss her (but I wasn’t going to lie) but I did say, “I’ll miss a lot of people.” Moving on…so Sue asked me what are you moving there for to get married?” I said, “No. I’m moving to further my career and go back to school.” And At that moment Sue turned and said, “I can tell by that answer you’ve matured and changed.” Explain please. Sue goes on. A year ago I’ll you talked about is marriage and wanting to get married and wanting to have children. But now you’ve grown and you are putting your career (yourself) first; this shows that you have matured.” This went on for about 5 minutes. I was a little taken back and I thought about Sue’s comment all the way back home. Maybe my focus has changed. There are so many things I want to do. I don’t know. Obviously there are no dateable men in Wichita, Kansas, USA J. I was focused for just a moment but then Sue had to make that comment and it started me to think….I have a friend and her parents will pay her way through grad school but she clings on to the hope of getting married one day and will not go to grad school. I don’t want to put my life on hold in the hopes of some prince charming (lol) to come along. I want to go keep moving forward. I’m fool I’m bloody fool. Don’t get me wrong I still want to get married very much….but I’m fool I’m a bloody fool.  Twas life…. God don’t let me get me!!!

I don’t know if I’m everything you want….but I’ll try to be everything you need-Love Sideways

I was reading someone’s blog today and he came from and abusive background. And he stated that his father never taught him how to be a good father, son, and husband. Then one night he was praying and God told him, “Your lessons were in reverse. If you do the opposite of what he did (his father) then you have your answers.” And at the end of his blog he asked the question, “What lessons have you learned in reverse?” I don’t know why but the question just stuck to me. I thought about it…I’m still thinking about it. But think about all the lessons we learn in life…that are directly taught. You go to school and listen to teachers or professors. Or other times in life you learn unexpected lessons. But have you ever learned a lesson in reverse. I’m still pondering on it….ummmm……..

One of my friends from the past Brandon tried to talk to me today, but I didn’t want to talk to him. I was as cold as ice; I don’t want anything to do with him anymore. Please reefer back to my March 18^th blog “My faith will not be shaken.” We got into a huge fight and I tired to talk to him but he wouldn’t return my phone calls. After about 2 or 3 left messages I dropped it and I was done with him until today. Brandon tires to talk to me and I’m like where were you back in March? Adults talk things out to overcome obstacles. I further stated that it was too late, I’m done. I don’t like excuses. I like honestly. And his were excuses….blahh blahh blahhh. Call me back when you are ready to tell me the truth. Goodbye!!!

Twas Life-

I was made out to be a liar this week and I didn’t appreciate it. And this relationship that I once had is lost and will be lost forever. This person (I’ll call him Adam) Adam told me that he was mad at Marsha for leaving him at a bar-it’s along story (this is very juvenile). I listened to his side of the story about what happened….blahh blahh blahh. When he was finished I don’t exactly remember what I told him but that isn’t relevant at this time. I later in the week tell Marsha that Adam is still mad and as mature adults they should talk and work things out (this was my mistake). I was thinking as two adults they should be able to work this out—something so juvenile. I didn’t want to see two of my friends mad at each other. And I always have to remember communicate is the key to any relationship and lack of communicate can terminate the most solid of any relationships. Moving on…somehow it is leaked out that I told Marsha that Adam was still mad. I don’t know exactly know what Adam said but I am lead to believe that he lied to the person who leaked it out. He completely deleted me as a friend from myspace and set his profile to private. How mature is this? And he is in his mid 30’s. What an immature bastard. Please excuse my language but I had to use the correct terminology. Keep reading…people believe Adam and his side of the story. I’m like whatever…what comes around goes around. And the funny thing about this is I know who leaked it out and this person hasn’t talked to me all week-imagine that!!! But there is one glitch…I have a witness but I will not use my witness….there is no point. I am in high school because that is what I feel like. When will we ever grow up and admit to what they did?? But one day the truth will come out and it will be to late….because as I previously stated the relationship I once had is lost and will be lost forever.

Worry looks around

Sorrow looks back

Faith looks up–AU

 I’ve prayed for direction in my life….over and over again, prayer after prayer for the past several months. If any of my readers have read my past blogs one would come to the conclusion that I am not happy with my life.  I’ve been asking God to give me direction. My life is not mine but my life is God’s so I have to do what God wants me to do. And this weekend I got direction. It didn’t hit me until today but I feel (the same feeling I got when I knew I was meant to be a social worker) that I’m meant to be in Denver . I went to Denver this weekend and loved it!! The first vacation I’ve been on (in my life) that I didn’t want to come home. I would have been very content staying in Denver . And the thought of coming back to Wichita on the way home was depressing. I don’t know what it was about Colorado , I just loved it. And maybe I’m crazy and this feeling will go away…but I seriously doubt it.

Anywho, this is how my weekend went…..

Friday-

Bonny and I left around 8am to meet my sister in Salina . From then we drove to Colorado and made pit stops along the wayJ. We dropped my sister off in Castle Rock to spend the weekend with Joe and Julie.  Friday night we went out in downtown to eat dinner. Then we went back to Jose’s house to hang out. Day finished….

Saturday-

We went hiking. One of the most intense hikes I’ve been on EVER!!! I found out how out of shape I’m in. God Bless Bonny for sticking with me and don’t think I could have do it without her. It was funny because people on the trail would cheer me on, “You can do it- you’ll almost there.” Everyone in Denver is in shape I saw one fat person the entire weekend (I think Denver would be good for me). I think we got about ¾ of the way there and had to turn back because it was going to rain. After 3 and half hours of hiking it was time to go take a shower and get ready for a BBQ at Jose’s. Joes’s roommates are so nice they cooked for us twice and allowed us to hang out…they were fun. Just some good old boys…I almost forgot something I learned…drink lots of water. The altitude is slightly different from Wichita and might cause you get dehydrated, as I learned on Sunday….read on…

Sunday-

Jose and his roomies made brunch for about ten of us-they cooked again!!! I continued to meet new people. After brunch Bonny and I went for walk. It started to get hot so we went back to Jose’s. Then we played cards…I lost:o( but that was ok I had funJ!!! The time was getting about 5 and we had to get ready for mass with the archbishop. Mass was amazing….flipping amazing…I loved it!!! Everything about it….I loved it. The homily rocked and the music was great. I was thinking during mass, “I would love to be here next week.” Damm Colorado ….I want to go backJ.  We decided to go out for dinner after mass. About that time it had been three hours since I had anything to drink and the altitude started to get to me. I was riding in the backseat (I also get motion sickness) to allow Bonny to sit in front when I got sick.  Jose had to drive my sick butt back to the  place where Bonny and I were staying. Besty told me it was altitude sickness and gave me water to drink….I felt better. Next time I will mental note to drink water all the time. This was not the way I wanted to spend my last night…alone, by myself, and sick…it sucked!!! Twas life….time to go home…

Monday-

Drove back to Wichita thinking on the way, “I think I’m going in the wrong direction….shouldn‘t I be going back west”…..ummmmm…

“The difference between school and life? In school, you're taught a


 lesson and then given a test. In life, you're given a test that teaches

you a lesson.”

~ Tom Bodett