AGAPE

I guess I’ll just give an update about my life. My full time job laid four people off on Friday and another person quit Monday. I don’t know what is going on. I (crossing my fingers) am okay. My boss told us that there “shouldn’t” be anymore layoffs. I think I might start looking for another job. Two of my other co-workers have interviews tomorrow. I have had headache that has lasted about week…I don’t know maybe stress….twas life.

 God works in mysterious ways. I been so stressed out lately but last night I finally found my calm in the storm. I was reading the Bible last night (like I do every night) and this is the verse I read……

Ecc 3:1. There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven–

2. A time to give birth, and a time to die; A time to plant, and a time to uproot what is planted.

3. A time to kill, and a time to heal; A time to tear down, and a time to build up.

4. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn, and a time to dance.

5. A time to throw stones, and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace, and a time to shun embracing.

6. A time to search, and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep, and a time to throw away.

7. A time to tear apart, and a time to sew together; A time to be silent, and a time to speak.

 8. A time to love, and a time to hate; A time for war, and a time for peace.

 9. What profit is there to the worker from that in which he toils?

10. I have seen the task which God has given the sons of men with which to occupy themselves. 11. He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also set eternity in their heart, yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end. 12. I know that there is nothing better for them than to rejoice and to do good in one’s lifetime; 13. moreover, that every man who eats and drinks sees good in all his labor– it is the gift of God. 14. I know that everything God does will remain forever; there is nothing to add to it and there is nothing to take from it, for God has [so] worked that men should fear Him. 15. That which is has been already, and that which will be has already been, for God seeks what has passed by.

Wow….that’s all I have!!!

Have you ever been in a place in your life that is unsettling? I’m so unsettled my skin feelings like its crawling. I want this feeling to go away. But the feeling has been lingering with me for a couple of months. ARRRGGGG…I want this to go AWAY!! I think it has to do with my job.  I love children and working with adults is NOT the same as working with children. I hate being someone’s glorified Bitch…and yes that is what I am. Whatever they (clients) say I have to do. And if I don’t do as they wish…I get reprimanded. The organization for which I work for screws their employees over hand and fist; and some of the most unethical things are being done to my co-workers and it breaks my heart to see them suffer.  I don’t know if social work is what I want to do anymore. I have no idea about where I’m going in my life. I used to be driven so focused….but now I just don’t know anymore.

This is what I know:

I know that if it wasn’t for my co-workers (Chris, Aaron and Michelle) I would go insane at my job.

I know that I don’t want to work with adults

I know that I miss working with children

I know there is no job in Wichita that could pay me enough that involves working w/children

I know that I’m not where I’m suppose to be in life and I have no idea where to go from here

I know that I want to help people for the rest of my life but have no idea how to go about it

I know that I don’t know where I’m going….ARRRRGGGGG!!!

Where to go from here?????

Regarding my last post and people that are curious about how or what it was regarding or what was running through my mind.  I’ll give a little insight. I was thinking about someone that I have spent some time with lately…but as I have previously stated feelings come and go; my feeling are no longer….welted like the flowers do every winter….twas life. I was also thinking of two other people in my life that are in complete denial of their feelings…correction they both know how feel but are to chicken shit to take the next step…go on go on…go out and buy those running shoes; you’re going to need themJ.

   Fear still does not consume me…..but feelings tear me apart.-Adonia

More to come……….

Have you ever met someone that you connect with? It feels like your souls intertwine. The feeling consumes you and runs through your body.  It’s the awwww feeling. There is no rhyme or reason for this connection and the more you run away the stronger the feeling becomes. And the more you tell yourself, “NO NO NO” the more your soul screams YES.. listen to me dammit! It’s like denying yourself water you become more and more thirsty. So do we just run away for the rest of our lives? Do we search for another connection hoping to get that “feeling” back. But it’s never the same is it? And should we waste our lives away denying what your souls’ long for? We’re told to listen to our gut, to do what we feel. BUT feelings come and go and I don’t know if I trust my feelings. What I might feel today is probably different from what I will feel in a minute, hour, tomorrow.  I would like to know how feelings stay. But you can’t deny an unexplainable feeling that comes from the middle of your chest; in the pit of your soul….that feeling is undeniable. So what do we do? Do we put on our running shoes and hope somewhere between the pavement and the sweat the feeling goes away? Do we stand face to face with our soul’s mate trembling from head to toe scared that this is it…this is what I been waiting for. 

Fear will not consume me.-Adonia

I’ve been working somewhere b/w 60-70hrs a week. If any of you were curious where I have been, which brings me to my dilemma.

Part 1.My full time job has become more and more stressful everyday. With the new state plan and person’s above me money hungry the pressure to produce more in less time continues to be the stress that is running throughout the organization. I found out on Monday that we have to “bill” six hours a day with our clients and write our case notes in the same day. Now, one might think six hours isn’t bad but let me explain. We have to be six hours face to face with our clients. I drive my clients around about an hour a day; it probably takes 30 to 45 minutes to write case notes which leave about 15mintues to eat lunch on the go per day with no breaks, no lunch, just me running around with my head cut off. It’s so tiring and there is nothing to be done to change b/c money causes greed and greed is evil and evil likes to multiply.

Part 2.I’ve been working at SA with my juveniles. I can’t seem to get away from kids. I love them; even when they punch holes in the wall or call me a bitch. There is something about them I can’t get away from. I’ve been working at SA on my days off or during the week; causing me to work 60-70 a week.  Exhaustion doesn’t even to begin to describe how emotionally and physical tired I am. The program director told me there might be job opening coming up so I’m crossing my fingersJ

On a positive note; I moved into my new apartment and I love it. It’s so cute and I’m excited to start decorating. I love it. I love it. I love it!!