AGAPE

I don’t have much time but I thought I would give a quick update.

*Brandon STILL isn’t talking to me…I don’t know what to do. It hasn’t hit me yet. I have too many other things going on in my life to worry about him now. Maybe one day he’ll come around. I’ll keep praying for him.

*The one client I previously talked about that criticized me all the time; she actually is being nice to me. I’m thinking she just needed someone to stand up to her; So far so good.

*I can’t find a new purse. I have looked everywhere but I haven’t found one that has caught my eye. And anyone that knows me knows that I am the pickiest person when it comes to pursesJ

*I’ve realized how strong I am. Due to a recent event of miscommunication I was forced to be strong. I think it was good for me. I believe that you’ll never know how strong you are until you are forced to stand alone.

*I got a new client on my case load that is HIV positive. I’ve never met someone that is HIV positive so this is going to be a very educational experience. I have done two research papers on HIV/AIDS so I’m excited to see how research and real life experience are going to collide.

*I’m kind of sad that Lent is going to be over. This lent has been so difficult and rewarding at the same time. God has really worked in me and I’m so thankful.

I’m so tired now I have to go to bed…I’ll write more on Sunday..

Love may be defined as mutual self-giving and self-outpouring which ends in self-recovery.-Fulton Sheen, Hymn of the Conquered

I’ve been busy and I don’t really have much to say anyway so this is going to be short.

*
Brandon still isn’t talking to me. After sending him a message and having no response back I have come to the conclusion that people grow and then grow apart.

*This has been the hardest lent in my life. I don’t even know where to begin. I’m too tired to explain everything.  But please continue to pray for me.

*I feel alone. I don’t know if this is due to the fact that I’m going through so much but I just feel alone. And I know I have some of the most amazing friends that God created but I just feel alone…or maybe it’s just the mood I’m in…ummm.

*I love God. God is amazing. He is working wonders in my life and I think that this path (which has been hard) he has me on will lead to glorious things.

*Pride is an evil thing. Humility is great. I’ve let go of some of my pride lately; hard to do but very rewarding.

*I’m excited that winter is behind us and spring is here….

*I’m eating healthier and exercising more lately….once again hard but rewarding.

*I’m struggling with a client’s at work and I’m not looking forward to seeing this person tomorrow. The client continually criticizes me…I know it is part of the mental illness but….it’s awful.

*I gave three bags of clothes charity…it felt good.

This is all I have…..

   The humble person makes room for progress; the proud person believes he is already there. -Fulton Sheen, On Being Human 

I don’t know where to begin….just another day in paradise. Last week was a little stressful with a dose sadness and a spoonful of ….I don’t know….I guess I’ll start with Sunday.

Sunday-My friend Brandon called me and asked me out for drinks(don’t get any ideas he is just a friend and by the end of this you’ll wonder why I’m still friends with him) and  of course his one of my best friends so I said, “Yes!” We go to Heroes (which I hate bars but I’m a good friend and go along) sit down in less than five minutes Brandon gets on his cell phone and starts text messaging a friend. This is the conversation we had (hold on to your seats it’s going to be a bumpy ride) I ask very politely, could you not text mess. while I’m with you it’s rude. But you do other things while I’m talking to you on the phone. But I’m not face to face it’s over the phone…there is a different. No it’s not that’s double standard…you’re being a hypocrite.” There is a difference; I’m face to face with you, would you please not text while I’m here.  Nope! As he picks back up his phone and starts texting again. If you text message one more time I’m going to leave…STOP texting while I’m with you! Of course by this time I’m a little irritatedJ. The waitress comes over, “Can I get you anything?” Yes she needs something to drink she is being a Bitch!! Yes,
Brandon actually said that. You don’t want to know what was racing through my head.  At this point being the proper lady I am…I smile turn my head to the waitress and say, “Yes, I’ll need a drink to put up with this asshole.” Smile then nod my head and turn back to Brandon. But the evening isn’t over yet…this isn’t the worst part….(put on your seat belts if you haven’t yet….BIG speed bump ahead)

Brandon and I start talking about contraceptives (I don’t remember how the conversation started) he and I have different views. Here’s how this conversation went…”Contraceptive are bad you’re looked upon as an object not as a person.” “How can you logically think that? Contraceptives are a necessity for life.” NO!! No they’re not! You deserve to be treated as a person a human being. Back and forth back and forth…until…Brandon says… We have to stop I’m going to say something I’m going to regret. He was mad…I’ve never seen him mad before…he was mad at me. Being the communicator/problem solver that I am I want to talk this out. I asked (compassionately), “Did I offend you?” No. “Was I’m being judgmental? No. Then what tell me…talk to me. (I’m going to quote him word for word on what he said…buckled in?) “I can not have and intellectual conversation with someone that is brain washed and you’re delusional. You’re so far over I can’t talk to you anymore!!” My eyes filled with water as I held back the tears. I have been friends with Brandon for three years and he has never been so rude to me. I was standing up for my faith what I believed in…my faith was not going to be shaken by him. Needless to say I cut the evening short I was a little upset…I wanted to go home…evening was over.

Can you believe that? I’m still in shock and it’s been a week. Plus, he moved me from his #1 friend on his myspace to #8. I guess sometimes we grow and then grow apart…ummm…

I’m too tired to write more but I’ll tell you about Monday…another day……

   Holiness is not something extraordinary, not something for only a few with brains, with intellectual powers that can reason, that can discuss, that can have long talks and read very wonderful books. Holiness is for every one of us as a simple duty – the acceptance of God with a smile, at all times, anywhere and everywhere.                      Mother Theresa  

 I’m tired and I don’t want to write so…I found this on the back of a Starbucks Cup.

Evolution as described by Charles Darwin is a scienctific theory, abundantly  reconfirmed, explaining physcial phenomena by physical causes. Intelligent Design is a faith-based initiative in rhetorical argument. Should we teach I.D. in America’s public schools? Yes, let’s do-not as science, but alongside other spiritual beliefs, such as Islam, Zoroastrianism and the Hindu idea the Earth rests on Chukwa, the giant turtle.

David Quammmen.

I was told last weekend that I have “changed.” Have I? What has happened to me? God is working through me and there is nothing I can do. I can’t stop God’s plan; nor do I want to. I can feel myself changing, from the inside out. I have always had so much faith in God…but it’s always been on the inside. I believe God is striping me of my skin and pushing out what I have been holding in and making me face what has been on the inside. I’m going through metamorphism. I can “feel” myself changing; from my finger tips to my toes But my faith in God…I’ve always had faith in God. I didn’t go to catholic school or attend any catholic universities BUT I have a deep faith in God (always) and no school can teach that.  I was asked last night, “Where did you faith come from?” God that was my only response. I don’t know where my faith came from so many years ago. I was born with faith; faith in God, faith in the Holy Spirit, faith in the Catholic Church.   

40 days of adoration as been the most vibrant, scary, sad, joyful thing I have ever gone through. Everyday I wake up and I brace myself for what God has in plan for me. I know good things are going to happen to me…I can feel it from fingers to my toesJ God is amazing. Don’t get me wrong this last week was excruciating for me. But when you go through a storm there is sun light with a beautiful rainbow at the end. I’m changing and it feels like I’m falling and falling and falling…falling into God grace. I feel like God is telling me…you have to fall…you have to have faith that when you fall I will catch you…you have to let go…completely…let go and let me work within you…you have to let go. But I’m gripping to the edge trying to hold on. But then my faith loosens my grip and I let go. I’m so scared…scared of what is going to happen. The unknown is so scary.  This lent I’m taking out all the skeletons in my closet and putting them to rest. Once and for all I’m letting my skeleton rest in peace. I’ve already put two skeleton too rest and I have one more that I’m still working on.  Hopefully this week more of my questions will be answered.

Have I changed??

One of my myspace friends posted this and I thought I would share it with you….

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant .
Thank you for being a part of my life,whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

“Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close
they were to success when they gave up.” Thomas Edison

I found this on the back of a Starbucks cup.

  Jodi Picoult-Novelist

This is going to fast because I only have 20 mins. I was thinking about forgiveness lately. And I’m going to share a story about forgiveness.

Several years (about 7years) ago I hated a man. I hated him with every bone in my body. The sound of his name made my teeth grind. Everyday I lived my life in hatred. It effected that way I looked at myself the way I treated my family and friends. My entire life was consumed. My soul was being corrupted with disgust for this man. For years I lived this way. Then one night(7 years ago) as I was kneeling by my bed praying (as I do every night); I was crying and weeping I said to God I…I…I for…I for…I forgive him. I let go of all the hatred that was within me and by the grace of God and the power of the Holy Spirit I let it go. I forgave him. In my heart and in my soul I forgave him. My life was turned around. God worked through me to let go of all the pain. And I said Thank You now I can start living my life fully for God.( Hatred is an evil thing).  Everynight since I’ve prayed for him; this man that once consumed me with hatred. Lord bless him…have mercy on his soul…bless him. But part of forgiveness is letting go. Letting go of all the pain that was unjustly inflicted upon me. Letting it all go…to forgive someone you have to let go. Break the chains of hatred that bind your heart and soul. I’m not saying to forget because that past does effect the present….but you can either let it go…or hold on to evil ways. I choose to let it go and start living my life…free from hatred…free from pain.

“to open their eyes, so they may turn from darkness to light and from the power of Satan to God. Then they will receive forgiveness for their sins and be given a place among God’s people, who are set apart by faith in me.’ Act 26:18

I couldn’t think of a specific topic to write about so I’m going ramble….

1. I made a mistake. Actually it wasn’t a mistake it was interrupted as a mistake. I text messaged a friend about another friend. I messed up and sent the messaged to the other friend. Now I feel the trust is gone. But the thing is he doesn’t know me good enough to realize that it wasn’t bad. And now I’m sad. But he doesn’t know that I wasn’t talking poor about him I’ve never talked poor about him. I was just going to tell my friend what happened; girls talk that is how we process things. And what makes this matter worse…. I have defended him on numerous occasions to the one of my friends. I said a rosary in adoration for our friendship…now it is up to God. I’m putting my trust and faith in God.

2. My life feels out of control. I don’t know how to explain it. I’ve been praying so hard …like I do everyday. But my life is out of control. I’m so busy and I have had no time for myself. And things are not getting any better. I wish I had answers…I wish I had peace. I wish too much.

3. I remember Kristi writing a blog about how she felt like she was a chameleon. Lately, I feel that way. I feel as no one sees who I AM. I know who I am…but I feel that no one sees me for me. There is so much more to me than meets the eye. For example; I am a very religious. I didn’t go to catholic school or none of that jazz.  But I live my life for God. I go to mass (other than Sunday)…I love/go adoration…I pray a rosary everyday…I read the bible everyday… I pray every night…I’m a practicing catholic….that means I go by what the Catholic Church teaches. I don’t know…I’m not giving up…but I’m not going to fight either…ummm… I wonder what color everyone is going to see me as tomorrow….I think pink… I look good in pink.

4. This blog is getting to depressing for me. I do have good news. I had an evaluation on Monday at my job. I got a raise…YEA!!! My boss said I was doing a good job. Also, one of my clients told me today that she heard that I was a good Case Manager from other clients. Maybe I do know what I’m doing after allJ.

5. This is the first time in my life that I truly don’t want to be in a relationship. If any man would ask me out I would tell him to give me till May or June. I do not want to be in a relationship. I’m going through to much in my personal life to deal with a relationship. I want to be independent and know 100% that I can make it on my own. I still want to get married and have children….but nothing is going to happen till May. I think it is a sign a growth/maturity that I realized that I don’t want b/f right now….maybe I’ve matured a little bit.

That is all I have I’m very tired and I want to go to sleep….Good night and God Bless all of you!!!