AGAPE

I saw this on someone’s myspace blog and I thought it was neat so I’m going to do the same thing.

Times people try to change you, who you are, what you believe, and so on…so I’m going to write WHO I am.

I am not perfect. I have many flaws. I am insecure. I love to laugh. I am flaky. I forget things all the time. I LOVE God. I snort when I laugh sometimes. I am a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl. I do feel pretty sometimes. Fascinated by texture. I ask stupid questions. I get confused easy. Love hanging out with guys. Love even more hanging out with my family/friends. Get attached quickly. Fall in love fast/hard. Have a hard time trusting. I love to sing. Scared of spiders. Listen to pretty much any kind of music. Hate to be cold. Love the feel of melted wax. I love the smell of the country. Will do anything for my family/friends. Can’t drive without music. I’m shy sometimes. Enjoy the look of someone’s face when I make them laugh. I have morals. I go to church other than Sunday. I hate having crushes. Zebra Mocha chocolate is my favorite drink from starbucks. Like to wear long shirts. Enjoy cooking. Horrible at spelling. Have a hard time sleeping. Have a crazy family. Love to give gifts. 14 days till my birthday. Christmas is my favorite holiday. Don’t like big crowds. I’m addicted to expensive purses.  I don’t like the feeling of being judged. Talk to myself. Answer myself. Don’t like to cry. I cry a lot. About to be an aunt. Usually talk a lot. Want to be a wife/mother. Love the color the pink. Want to travel the world. Love working with the “poverty” population. Don’t like snotty people.I miss my dad. Like to have fun. Believe in forgiveness. Believe in second chances. I am down to earth. I love the sound of children playing. Proud to be catholic. Love to play cards. And there is so much more but….that’s all I have to now…that is WHO I am….

     “The character and history of each child may be a new and poetic
experience to the parent, if he will let it.” Margaret Fuller

This week has been really hard for me; like every year this time…it’s hard for me. Some how six years ago seems like yesterday. When I was in college I had to write a Narrative Essay; this essay happened right after my dad died….so of course I wrote about my dad’s death. I thought that I would share my essay with all my readers…so…here it is….

 If only I had known  

            Everyone make mistakes big and small, but my mistake is the kind of mistake that will haunt me for the rest of my life. Touching his dead cold skin I realized that I had just made the biggest mistake of my life. If only I knew then what I know now.

            When I was five years old my mom divorced and remarried by the time I was six (which was blessing).I didn’t understand what was going on. The only thing I knew was that I had a new dad. I am not the type of person that accepts new things easily. I would always ask my mom, “Why would you want to marry a man like that?” I even got mad at her because she didn’t ask me if it was okay to get remarried. As I got older I realized how much better my dad treated my mom than my biological dad had. Then about two months ago (this was back 2000) I told my mom that I was glad that she had remarried and I could see the love they had for each other.

            My dad was the quiet type. He was kind hearted and caring towards people and animals. The children as the school he worked at loved him (the week after he died the school hung the flag half staff). He taught me about life when I was growing up. I remember one time when we lived on a farm I was playing outside; I thought I saw a bee and started screaming. My dad came over and assured me that it was not a bee, but a mud dauber. “Mud daubers don’t sting, they only make houses out of mud all day,” my dad told me. I also remember my dad teaching me how to play cards. My family and I would sit around the kitchen table playing cards all day. The only thing he didn’t count on was my siblings and I beating him at his own game. These are just few things my dad taught me. Those were the good days. But I never appreciated what I had until it was gone.

            On
January 27^th, 2001, I woke up around four o’clock in the morning. My dad had been fighting a cold and was having hard time breathing. I could hear my mom talking to my dad, “Can you sit up so I can take you to the hospital?” My dad shook his head. My mom replied, “I am calling the ambulance.” The ambulance came and took my dad to the emergency room. I stayed at home because I was fighting the flu. My grandma called me about two hours later, telling me to get to the hospital, because my dad was dying fast. When I arrived at the hospital I asked to see my dad. When I walked in the room, seeing him fight for his life made me realize how much I cared for him. The twelve years that he had been my dad I never once told him how much I appreciated and loved him. Then like the sun sets everyday, my dad passed away (there were no goodbyes my dad was too out of it to understand anyone). I remember going back in the room (after he died) to say goodbye, touching his cold lifeless skin, asking him, “Why? Why did you leave me daddy? Please Lord take me instead!! This wasn’t supposed to happen. I love you so much. Why did you leave me daddy?” But it was too late, he was gone. Now I would give anything in the world to tell him just how much he meant to me. Everyday goes by and I wish that he was here. Somehow my life doesn’t seem complete since he as died. Sometimes I feel like a lost child wondering in the forest waiting for my dad to come find me a take me home. Then I realize that he will never be coming to find me.         

            My advice to people would b; to tell your family and friends that you love them. Life is short and can be taken away in the blink of an eye. No one knows if they are going to be here tomorrow or not. I would not want anyone to go through what I am going through. If only I knew then what I know now.       

That was the essay I wrote…It was six years ago but it seems like yesterday…. 

HUGS: I love Hugs. I love to receive Hugs. I don’t know what it is about Hugs that I like so much but the embrace between me and another person there is just something about it that I love. I love Hugs from my mom, sister, brother, family, friends, anybody…cute guysJ But seriously…I know sometimes I might come off as stand-offish but I love hugs…so the next time you see me…give me a hugJ

CRUSH:  I hate having a Crush. I’ve always hated having a Crush on someone. The older I get the more I realize just how much I would hate to have a Crush on someone. I know I know you can’t help how you feel. But wouldn’t it be nice to like someone and they like you…I hate being in limbo. Every time I’ve had a Crush it’s the limbo time that kills me. I can deal with rejection I have all my life BUT waiting….that just gets me sad and depressed and then I lose the confidence I had. So you see I hate having Crushes they are bad for me….I think Chris would agree….

SING: My secret dream career is to be a Singer. I love to Sing.  I have a good voice but I’m to shy to Sing in front of anyone. I’m very self-cautions about my voice. In middle school I went to
Pitt State and won a metal for solo, in jr. high I was in a select choir that you had to audition for, and when I was in college a took a voice lessons…I got a AJ My family can Sing… and I am no different….but the likely hood of any of my good readers actually listening to me Sing is very slim.

SOCIAL WORK:  Social Work is a very hard career. I didn’t realize how hard it would be until I became a Social Worker. I see people 5 days a week that struggle to stay above the poverty line and most of them aren’t. I don’t know if anyone that reads my blog experiences this…But imagine this…going to a food bank…sitting there…the seats are worn and old…the place isn’t that clean…the people waiting in line are dirty you can tell they haven’t had a shower in several days….their teeth are rotten and their finger nails are dirty….but that isn’t the worst part…you look and see kid…a child in dirty clothes clinging on to their parent…the kid is just kid…and I always think…what life is that child going to live? It will break your heart….that part so hard for me….maybe that’s because I grew up poor.  

   MARRIAGE: I really want to get Married and have children. I want to be a great wife and mother. Every time I see a family I always get this feeling like; that’s going to be me…I want that. I want to raise a family in the Catholic Church. I want my children to grow up with faith. I want them to love God as much as I do….maybe even more. I want to find the good man…I know there are good men out there and I pray for one…but I really want a good guy. Someone that will make me laugh, take care of me, go to church….a gentleman that’s what I need.  

  ”If you’ll let me tell you what I imagine about myself, you’ll find it
a lot more interesting.” –Anne Shirley

Trauma: a bodily injury or shock…or an emotional shock, often having a lasting psychic effect-

One of my friends had something traumatic happen to him today. I felt so bad. I couldn’t imagine. It sadden my heart and weakened my soul to know that something traumatic could happen to someone I know. I felt so helpless like I couldn’t do anything to help him and so I choose the only route I knew how….I choose to be funny….I know I know….but to see him smile that’s all I wanted. I know he will probably break down when he gets home he if hasn’t yet. But that got me to thinking….I think a lot my mind is always running. Those traumatic experiences that we go through only makes us stronger….just think about it….I know through my personal experience I wouldn’t be the person that I am today if somethings in my past wouldn’t have happened. Yeah my life probably would be simpler not an emotionally scattered as I am BUT that is life…we must live and learn. But then again that gets me thinking…what if…what if… nothing traumatic never happened to you…what if life was just like a piece of pie…sweet smooth with ice cream on top. I believe that we probably wouldn’t appreciate the good things in life if all we lived was good…ummm…So I read the Bible every night and one night probably about a month ago I was reading and came across this verse…

“Consider how he endured such opposition from sinners, in order that you may not grow weary and lose heart. In your struggles against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood. You have also forgotten the exhortation addressed to you as sons:  “My son, do not disdain the discipline of the Lord or lose heart when reproved by him; for whom the Lord loves, he disciplines; he scourges every son he acknowledges.” Hebrews 12; 1-6

My understanding of this is…whoever God puts through tests or struggles God has recognized you in his eyes. I don’t know how to explain what I’m trying to say…I don’t know…but verse makes me feel better….

I’ve had many friends in my lifetime and in all my friendships there comes a time when it’s just blahhh….you loss that strong connection you once had. I’ve gone through this with all my friends (and I moved around a lot so I’ve had my number of friends) that I have had. I guess it’s just like any other relationship you have. But I hate this time of blahhh I’m going through this with one of my good friends. I would like to have that strong connection again and I know it will come back I just don’t like the time I’m in right now.  I think this happens in any kind a relationship between two people; mother-daughter, son-father, sister-sister, sister-brother, friend-friend, boyfriend-girlfriend, husband-wife. And I’ve always wonder why in relationships you go through this time. Maybe you just learn all you can learn about that person and there is nothing to talk about. I don’t know but I don’t like this. Then that makes me think ever harder if this happens in friendships it’s bound to happen in marriage. And then what are you suppose to do because you are stuck with that person for the rest of you life. How do you get over this hill? Is that why people are always telling me,” you have to work at marriage everyday.” Is this the reason why people cheat in marriage they lost that strong connection with their spouse? I know someone that lost that connection then found it in “another” place. I also know someone that was cheated on. Was there no connection anymore? Did communication in the marriage cease? Did everything become a routine? What is this “thing” that destroys our relationships? I don’t like it!! And sometime (most of the time) I get tired of being the fighter. The one that fights to keep the relationship going….so then I just …let….it…….go…..You can only give so much until there is nothing left to give.  Just some of my thoughts……

“Hard work never hurt anyone—it’s lack of it that destroys people.”
Katharine Hepburn

It’s raining it’s snowing I wish I were snoring. I can’t believe it’s so cold outside. This weather blows butt. And I really don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I would much rather stay home, sleep in, do nothingJ But off to work tomorrow. They finally got our desk moved around…let’s see it only took 3 months. I kind of like having my own area. I can’t wait to decorate it and give it some personality. 

Moving on…I had some friends over last night. Ohhh…I love my friends they are all so different but as one they make a great whole. My friend Tony “though” he could beat me at Hearts….he thought wrong. We had a wager going (best 2 out of 3) 10 cents and your pride. Needless to say I still have my pride and I became 10 cents richer last nightJ He was a good sport but he shouldn’t have thought he could beat me. Then after playing cards for about an hour or two my friends and I just sat around and talked till
2:30 in the morning. I love hanging out and talking. You learn so much from listening and you get to know people better.

Today has been a very relaxing day. I slept in till about 11:30. Then got up did the usually morning routine. I watched two movies with Lisa and Jose. While watching the movie I did case notes for work, caught up on myspace friends, and started to write this blog. Now I’m watching Monk.  And my plan for the rest of the day is to continue to do nothing. This is my only day off in the week so I always relax on Sunday.

 I have nothing more to say….so until next time…

“Yesterday was a dream—a poem—a symphony—a what you will so that your
definition expresses the ethereal revel of color, the thrilling glory
and splendor of the wonderful day that came in roseate and golden across
the frost-rimed hills and crept away at night in an elf-land of
moonlight.” From the Selected Journals of Lucy Maud Montgomery

As I was working out yesterday I thought about something; if there was one thing that you could change in/about your life what would it be? Think about it just ONE thing. Would you drive a better car? Have a different job? Be single again? Would you get a divorce? Would you get married? Would you have children? Would you tell a loved one that pasted away,”I love you” Would you want a better relationship with your family, friends, co-workers, God…ect? Would you live in a different house? Would you lose weight? Would you gain weight? Would you change your looks? Would you rekindle an old flame? Would you marry someone different? Would you have different friends? Would you have different beliefs? Would you want to be promiscuous? Would you want to have morals? Would you want to be naturally talented…If you can change just ONE thing….what would it be?

I was thinking really hard about this. But then if you could change one thing….life wouldn’t be the way it is. And then you would probably want to change something else and the circle would go on and on. And I don’t know if there is something that I would want to change…because then I always think…it probably wouldn’t be as great/good as I thought it was going to be. But I think God that I am where I am now. My life could be a lot worse and I think I need to be more optimistic. I think a lot to people could probably be more optimistic about life. Yeah there are some things that I wish were different but I wouldn’t be who and where I am today if I could change ONE thing.

  “ Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice. It is not a
thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.”– William Jennings
Bryan
 

This week has been better than last. One of my friends told me I was emotionally confused/scattered. I know that I am…sometimes I don’t even know what is wrong with me. And I’m not in denial about this at all…I 100% realize that emotionally I’m not “there.” I don’t know if this is due to that fact I never really show emotions. Sometimes I’m emotionless other times I have more emotions than anyone. I think I get sick to being the strong one. I think I can’t always be that strong and I’m not as strong as people assume me to be. But if per chance I am weak for a moment some people can’t accept that. I don’t know…maybe I need to learn to show emotions when I’m feeling them instead of hold it all in…ummm….

Ok so there are a few guys in my life which I love for different reasons and each guy has taught me something different so….This one is for the boys!!! 

My brother: I couldn’t imagine my life without my brother…just thinking about how much he means to me makes me cry. My brother has taught me to always go against the crowd. Never letting your values or opinions be overseen because it wasn’t the popular thing or choice. My brother taught me that being weird (lol) isn’t such a bad thing!!! 

Brandon: What can I say about him?  He is my best friend and I know that God brought him into my life to give me the confidence I need. I was so shy and insecure and then Brandon came into my life. Whenever I’m having one of my ugly days (girls you know what I mean) he is always there to tell me I’m beautiful. Brandon has taught me to look at myself in the mirror and say, “Damm I look Good.” Thank God for Brandon.

 Jose: The light in my eye. Jose happens to be the most out spoken male I know. Whatever Jose thinks, it comes right out of his mouth. I know some people don’t like this but I admire it. He is honest and up front about how he feels. Instead of being “fake” like most people I know, Jose is honest like breath of fresh air. Jose has taught me to be open and be myself.  

  Jim: Jim is the most optimistic man I know. His smile could brighten anyone’s day. He is always so cheerful and considerate of other people. Jim is always willing to do anything and go along with the crowd. I don’t think I have ever heard any sore words come out of his mouth. Jim has taught be to be more optimistic and to look at the bright side of things when I’m standing in the dark.    

Fr. Drew: I have never known a more interesting priest than Fr. Drew. Besides the fact that I love his homilies he is the coolest guy. I can never make fun of him because he’ll turn it around and make fun of himself in the process. And that is no fun if you’re trying to make fun of someone. Fr. Drew has taught me to laugh at myself and never take myself too seriously.    

Christopher: save the best for last! I’ve only known Chris for about 6 months going on 7 but I feel like I’ve known him for years. We are two in one. I mean…he is just so…. Chris is the only guy I know that if I’m having a problem wants to talk it out. “Come on Marianna tell me what is wrong.” Sometimes I want to slap him other times hug him…I don’t know. Chris has taught me to take responsibility for my feelings and communicate when things aren’t going right.          

‘

  “We must take people as we find them in this world and do the best we
can under their and our limitations.” Lucy Maud Montgomery

“Start by doing what is necessary, then what is possible, and suddenly
you are doing the impossible.” St Francis of Assisi